Announcing the Lambda Lamb Academy of Acting Administrators

OCCUPIED TUCSON CITIZEN

As a service to Tucson-area residents who are looking for career opportunities, especially given the continuing administrative turmoil at our beloved Pima Community College, we are passing on the following announcement—Ed

You like the prestige and respect that comes with administrative jobs at institutions of higher learning, yet you fear you cannot meet their rigorous standards.

But did you know that there are literally hundreds of colleges and universities in America experiencing so much turmoil, incompetence, repeated firings and resignations on the administrative level that they are continuously seeking the services of acting administrators: men and women, with no experience, few qualifications and little preparation, eager to assume positions of academic leadership at a moment’s notice for relatively short periods of time?

Did you know that The Lambda Lamb Academy of Acting Administrators has placed more of its graduates in temporary positions than Harvard, Yale and Princeton combined?

From humble beginnings as a Ready Man and Temp Help service, Lambda Lamb Academy, in 1985, offered its first academic training course, “Dean for a Day,” and by 1986 it was placing an average of 3 Acting Deans per week.

Today Lambda Lamb Academy is a fully accredited four-year college leading to a baccalaureate in Acting Administration. Its courses cover the full range of acting administrative opportunities, from freshman level classes like the ever popular, “Dean for a Day,” to upper division courses such as “Acting Provosts.”

At the Lambda Lamb Academy you learn how to audition for the role of acting administrator, how to enter positions of importance in the middle of a work week, how to make major decisions by the end of the work week, and how to write a letter of resignation.

You will enjoy courses in ethics such as: Is there an Optimum Disapproval Rating for Administrators Who can Achieve No Better Than a 49% Approval Rating? How Much Damage Can a University Sustain Knowing Its Top Administrators Are Merely Temporary Appointees? Can Administrators Whom Everyone Knows Will Be Leaving Their Posts in a Relatively Short Time Afford to Devote Any Time to What Are Called “Student Concerns”? Can the Issue of Faculty Governance Be Meaningful to Acting Administrators Who Don’t Honestly Know the Meaning of Governance at Any Level?

You will be enlightened by our cross discipline courses in ethics and logic, such as, Can an Acting President Literally Fire a Genuine Vice President? Can an Acting President Create a Situation So Bad That He Cannot Possibly Make it Worse?

For those interested in longer-lasting or even permanent appointments there are courses in How to Impede a Search and Screen Process. Or, How to Get Tenure in an Unsuspecting Department Not looking to Hire.

The Lambda Lamb Academy of Acting Administrators teaches you all you need to know to become an acting administrator: elocution, stance, costuming and make-up. So it should come as no surprise that alumni of Lambda Lamb have garnered more acting awards than graduates of any other academy. Their performances never fail to receive rave reviews: “I had no idea he wasn’t a real dean.” “Without checking the books, we never would have known she didn’t have a clue as to what she was doing.” “He spoke so well, we thought he knew what he was talking about.” “He treated everyone with such patrician disdain, we all assumed, ‘Here is a man with vision.’ It took months after he left to realize he was blind to all aspects of running a university.” “How could we know she was a porn star? The damage was so extensive we believed only a real professional could have been so thorough.”

And as an extra bonus, for those being considered for the role of acting president we also offer courses in arrogance and disdain. And should you become one of the fortunate few to actually be placed in the role of Acting President; our placement office will help you in your transition by providing a map of the Presidential Mansion so you won’t get lost during your first days on the job. Plus, our set design department will gladly build new office furniture to your specifications and charge it to your new institution at no cost to you.

Accept no substitutes. We are a serious institution specializing in the training of Acting Administrators. We do not train either singing or dancing administrators. And we remain as always an equal opportunity institution: we will not deny entrance on the basis of inexperience or inability. Remember, within academia, there are no qualifications for acting administrators! That is why we place a higher percentage of our graduates than any other learning institution in the world.

No time wasters please! Individuals dedicated to a life-time career in competent, conscientious, quality administration need not apply.

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply